Dreading seeing that person over the holidays? Want to have a better conversation?
I hear you! Holidays can bring us together with beloved family and friends, and also with people we’d rather not be in the room with! Recently I had a “difficult person” I needed to be with for a while. In the past, this person represented a challenge to me. I didn’t want to stoop to their level of “nastiness” and I could feel how past conversations had ensnared me in anger and victimization. I didn’t want to visit those places in myself again, however, past encounters though either left me flat footed, or so angry I couldn’t respond without reacting in a way I would regret later. Knowing I had another encounter ahead, I dove into my tool bucket to see what I could do in advance.
The first question I had to ask myself is what is it I really wanted out of the interaction? For instance, did I want to prove I was right and they were wrong? Did I want approval? Revenge? All of the above and more? And if I was honest with myself, how old was the part of me that wanted that? Clearly, a few younger parts of me were at play here. I needed to sooth and manage those myself. They had no place in this conversation.
Then I asked myself, what does my higher self want? What is my higher ground here? Is this a relationship I want to continue? If this person is a family member or close friend or colleague for you, then continuing the relationship is important. In my case, I realized if I could put my own crusade for justice aside, and be curious about how the other person arrived at their views, I might be able to create a better conversation than if I counter-attacked or judged. (It takes self-regulation to do this, so more on that later.) The folks at https://deepcanvass.org/ have developed an inspiring approach to creating just such conversations that they call deep canvassing. I urge you to check out their amazing work. Their approach works with strangers, but it can also work with people you know.
I asked myself what assumptions I had made about the other person and the situation we would be in. What did I really know about the person, both in terms of their past and their current situation? Could I really say I’d walked a mile in their shoes? What boxes had I put us both in that might not be true? I was inspired by a Ted Talk by Janine Driver where she entered what could have been a conflict conversation with a cooperation mindset and language. How could I change the assumptions I had made about this person to let a little more light into the space between us?
Finally, I asked myself what kinds of behavior will I accept and how I would protect myself if the other person becomes abusive? I created a graceful exit strategy for myself, that would allow me to withdraw without burning bridges, judging, or being hostile.
Of course to pull that off, I needed not to lose my cool. That is easier said than done. Having earlier identified the unmet needs and what I wanted from this person, and taking care of those myself, I could move to a more generous position. I didn’t actually need this person to do anything for me. You may find that is true once you gather your resources and get centered in yourself as well.
My conversation went better than I expected, at least this time, and in retrospect, I realized I needed to focus on two things to keep the conversations moving in this direction:
1. Clarity & Preparation. Getting clear in advance what my better self wanted, what I was willing to tolerate, and what my recourse would be if my conversational partner persisted in abusive behavior.
2. Regulation. By recognizing the younger self’s unmet needs and caring for those myself, I was not putting myself in a position where I was trying to get needs met by someone who could not do so.
If we think of each conversation as a building block in making the kind of relationship we are going to have with the people in our lives, then we can see the importance of doing what we can to improve the quality of those conversation. I have been gifted by learning from many different teachers, from human communication to group dynamics to systemic constellations and more. When I remember the gifts I’ve received over the years, I am able to create positive difference for myself and those around me. When I forget–well, you can guess what happens! I’m human. Now, however, those moments send me back to my ever expanding treasure chest of blessings. I weave these many gifts together in my trainings and having discovered what they have done for me, I would be delighted to offer them to you through one of my upcoming trainings. I hope you will join me in 2023 to explore how we can make this world just a little bit better where we are.
