How our stories in-trance us & why that matters
The other day I was out picking beans in my garden, something I’ve done many, many times. Sure enough, I began to daydream a bit as my attention wandered. I have a practice of (eventually!) paying attention to what I’m “saying to myself” about my life and situation when my brain is idling. And, sure enough, my Default Mode Network, the brain pattern that takes over when we are not externally engaged, was grinding away on an unresolved (and unresolvable) relationship problem with my elderly mother. This thought loop certainly wasn’t making me feel great, nor enjoy the nice evening weather and plentiful beans. It was a relief to bring my attention back to my lovely purple bush beans and exit the squirrel cage wheel of the frustrating story that was running in my mind.
The default mode network (DMN) is a series of connected brain components that talk together when we are not focused on an externally demanding task, i.e., when our attention wanders. We could be daydreaming while waiting in line at the coffee shop, or doing something we are so habituated to (like picking beans) that it doesn’t take much mental effort. If you’ve every walked over to a friend’s house and then found you couldn’t remember much of the walk because you were ruminating over how to talk to that friend about a problem, your default mode network was active.
The DMN is often focused on our place in the world, especially the world of relationships. It can also be, as daydreaming sometimes is, a source of creative aha! moments. For the most part, we aren’t aware of much of the thoughts running through our mind when our DMN is active; however, when we aren’t paying attention, habitual beliefs shape the stories we are telling ourselves, and not always to our benefit. In fact, quite the opposite.The default mode network is influenced by many things including our early childhood experiences and subsequent learnings, our social and cultural environment, our current situation, and more. We think “I think therefore I am” as if our self were the author of all of our thoughts, but that is not the case. Even our language and what can or cannot be said in that language is given to us by our culture. To quote an article from Psychology Today author Betsy Holmberg:
"A more accurate model of Self would be to say that humans have an ecosystem of thoughts and feelings. Some they control, and some they don’t. The Self is the experiencer of this ecosystem: the one who watches the show. The Self is also the chooser within this ecosystem, deciding where to direct attention and which thoughts to believe."
The great therapeutic hypnotherapist, Milton Erickson discovered that these thoughts, these stories - because they engage the imagination - enable us to envision new possibilities or confront patterns we don’t like. As I thought about this, I realized that these automated stories that tend to run through our minds when we’re not paying attention put us into a light trance. We have to slightly dissociate from direct perception of our current situation to engage in imagination in order to follow the story in our mind’s eye (and ear), in a sense, in-tranced by the stories rolling around in our DMN. And, as with a good trance induction, we will tend to enact the stories we believe are true.
Unfortunately these habitual stories can trap us in cycles of failure and frustration as well. Through metaphor and story, Milton Erickson realized he could shift the contents of the stories and thus the outcomes of these in-trancing stories. We can do the same once we identify the stories that have captured us and identify their sources. As an example, when my husband approached his 50th birthday, he became more and more depressed. As I inquired into the thoughts behind his glum mood, I realized that he thought his life would soon be over when he turned 50! (He’s 76 now.) I challenged this limiting story and we tracked down all the things the adults in his life had said about aging when he was a young child that contributed to this (not useful!) story of aging. Using metaphor, story, and light trance, I helped him create his “100 year old man” who could advise him how to embrace life after 50. After all 50 is only half-way to 100!
These movies in the mind that are running just off screen, visible in our peripheral vision, can come from so many sources, yet we identify them as “our self.” How important it is that we listen to the stories we tell ourselves rather than let them tell us who we are and how to live (or not). Otherwise, like a good trance, we will enact the stories without being aware of where we got them! Our brain’s main job is to predict what will happen next so that we can live to see the next day.It’s listening to the tape loop (back in the day before streaming when audio tapes were used) in your head, and it’s using those automatic “tapes” to predict and guide your behavior. All the more reason to become the author of our stories rather than the recipient of stories others or our society may have told us about ourselves, even years before.
The best way to catch these stories is to say them out loud (probably not in a public place however!). If you find yourself in a situation where you become aware you are idly ruminating about something, saying these thoughts out loud will make them accessible to you. Once you've captured the story, ask yourself some questions:
Where does this story come from? Where did I hear this first? From whom? What might be their motive at the time? Is that relevant now?
What is the consequence of the story? What does it make me do?
What is the hidden benefit of the story? What worse consequence might I be preventing from believing this story?
How would this sound coming out of someone’s mouth that you admire? Is this a story that you want to keep?
Is this what I really want? What story would allow me to be kind to myself yet open to feedback from others and my world?
Once you've unpacked your story and it's effects, keep what's useful and change the story as you like. After all, as Betsy Holmberg says, you are the "chooser" of your story.
