My favorite four word sentence for improving relationships

I don't know why this photo was posed this way, or what these two (probably actors) are saying to one another, and I can imagine this gesture fitting well with my favorite four word sentence for improving relationships. What are those four words you ask?

"Give me a minute."

There is a famous quote that sums up the biggest benefit to this short sentence*:

   Between stimulus and response there is space.

   In that space is our power to choose our response.

   In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Perhaps this quote should say, the space between trigger and reaction is the moment of choice. Triggers, of course, being those situations that make us time travel to a previous scenario where our reactions took root. And, reactions are those habitual responses that come from that early conditioning. While useful once, these automatic responses often aren’t particularly useful in our current relationships. Whether that is a defensive rebuttal to a colleagues question about our work, snapping at a partner’s complaint (those dirty socks on the floor again!), or criticizing the whine in a child’s voice, our fast, habitual reactions usually don’t elicit the response we want from the other person in any case.

Three reasons why this short sentence is one of my favorite relationship aids.

“Give me a minute”…

(1) Gives you a moment to calm yourself if you’ve been startled or find yourself activated. Taking that “minute” to let go and take a deep breath can calm your nervous system so you can settle back into yourself and make a more congruent response.

“Give me a minute”…

(2) Gives you the opportunity to interrupt your habitual patterns of reactivity. This simple sentence is an “URP” (Unwanted Repeating Patterns) buster in relationships because it gives you back choice. Taking a minute to pause and choose your response rather than reacting out of habit means you can change the habitual pattern of reaction between you and the other person. For instance, is yelling at your co-worker what you really want to do? If not, how else could you respond that might disarm your co-worker (or partner, or child) and thus open new possibilities for where this conversation could go?

“Give me a minute”…

(3) Gives you a moment to assess when confronted with an unexpected or difficult situation. There are almost always more possibilities than may be immediately apparent. As Bent Flyvbjerg and Dan Gardner explain in the book How Big Things Get Done, research shows that our tendency is to act as if WYSIATI (what you see is all there is), instead of asking questions that open more possibilities. Giving yourself a minute before you respond can let those questions rise to the surface. For instance, if your partner is demanding that you agree to their demand to buy tickets for an expensive vacation because they are on sale, “give me a minute” can give you the time for important questions to surface and to share them kindly while acknowledging your partner’s positive intentions for saving money and having fun together.

But will they give me that minute?

If this little sentence is so useful, why don’t more people use it? You might be afraid that the other person won’t give you that minute. Conversations proceed turn by turn. That is, you speak (your turn), then at subtle signals, I know it’s my turn to speak, and you listen, and so on. Surprisingly, the hidden rules that shape our conversations mean that the other person (unless they are really incensed or utterly clueless) is obligated to stop when you ask for a pause in the turn taking. This assumes, of course, that you will return to the conversation after a short pause. If you leave your conversational partner hanging while you go out for a coffee and then come back, you’re likely to get a frosty reception. If you realize in that pause you’ll need more time so that you can respond rather than react, you’ll need to return to the conversation and negotiate for more time.

“Give me a minute” also honors the two person nature of the conversation. Stonewalling or going silent mid-way in an on-going conversation is felt as dismissive and rude by the other party. You may be vigorously considering your options in responding to your conversational buddy, but they don’t know that. All they know is that you were passing the conversational baton back and forth, and you suddenly dropped the baton. “Give me a minute” acknowledges the presence and importance of the person you are speaking with (assuming you’re not trapped by an incorrigible monologger) by asking them for a pause.

Finally, you might be concerned that asking for a minute of reflection would look weak or indecisive. The truth is that the fundamental patterns behind conversation assume that both parties are being reasonably truthful in their sharing. People would rather give you a moment to think than risk having a glib but ultimately untruthful or inconsiderate response.

In conclusion

Standing between stimulus and response are the fast myelinated pathways of our habitual ways of reacting. By asking for a short pause, the “give me a minute” allows you to create some new opportunities for relating with those you love. Transform your relationships by incorporating this four word sentence into your conversations at critical moments. Those moments where you really do need a moment to calm yourself, choose how you would like to respond, and offer the other person your best self rather than your habitual self. And, it’s so simple.

* Attributed variously to philosopher and concentration camp survivor Victor Frankel, leadership expert Stephen Covey or psychiatrist, Rollo May