What is the secret to lasting change?

My husband is struggling to change in one of his less-than-productive habits, a change that is important to his health and the well being of our farm, and I sympathize. I've been there and have a few stubborn habits I want to change. He feels like he takes one or two steps forward, stumbles, slips back, and has to start over again. The behavior he wants to change is simple, a short daily routine that will make our lives easier, yet his struggle to implement this change is intense. Why is that?

We do, of course, experience "one-trial learning". If a dog bites you, or you have a car accident, that event has such a strong emotional impact that you create a lasting memory and response and may habitually avoid the walking trail where the dog was, or the intersection where the accident occurred. That’s not the same as an intentional effort to achieve a change.

Much of what we want to change is habit: learned, automatic responses to common life situations. Like my husband, with decades of practice in one way of responding, acquiring a new automatic habit takes deliberate, intentional effort as well as external scaffolding and support. If he could just will himself to change, you'd better believe he would!

Our best efforts to transform our behavior often end up thwarted despite our best intentions. For instance, you may seek to create an emotional change, say to be come a happier, more relaxed person, or to throw off the voice of a critical parent who has taken up residence between your ears. You may be pursuing a physical change, such as going to the gym and changing your physical condition, gaining strength and flexibility. Or you may have a goal like learning self-compassion, or managing repetitious negative thoughts. It’s easy to change your behavior once, maybe twice. The rub is in developing the consistency to change the body and brain.

Habits exist in our bodies, not just our minds. We can’t think or will our way to change; we literally have to change the body, right down to growing new connections between neurons in our brain and body. One small change practiced over and over is much more likely to snowball into transformation than a big dramatic effort that isn’t repeated often enough for the body (including the brain) to master, and automate, the new pattern.

For athletes like the young gymnast in the photo, consistent small changes are the route to improving their performance. And, like learning to ride the bike, it usually isn't master the bike that matters to us, it's the ice cream shop several blocks away that the bike will enable us to reach. In other words, most of the habits we strive to change are a means to an end. What is the benefit of the change you seek?

Here are four things you can do to help create lasting behavioral change:

1. Chunk it down. Sticking the landing (to use a gymnastics metaphor) on a small change will give you the momentum to add another small change, and another. Success builds on success. We're more motivated by the reward of repeating small successes than by big but difficult to attain rewards. (Video game designers know this and will give you quick, little rewards to keep you playing.) Small changes over time can result in radical transformation. It’s also much easier to get back on the path if the effort needed to return to the practice is small.

2. Attach the new behavior to another habit. Let’s say you want to substitute your afternoon sugary snack with something healthier. Putting the bag of nuts with the coffee cup you reach for at break time makes it easier to grab the nuts instead of that 400 calorie muffin. Make it easy for yourself to do the right thing.

3. Recruit allies who will encourage you when you slip off course to get back on the path. Get an accountability partner. Different from an encouraging supporter, the accountability partner will hold your feet to the fire, or at least call you if you don’t show up at the gym in the morning. Positive encouragement (or at least fellow sufferers!) will make staying the course easier.

4. Get clear about why this change is important to you. This is probably one of the most important steps in creating lasting change. What will be different about your life once you do this? What is the big goal that this is a small step towards? Place reminders of your "why" where you’ll see them. You’ll find out how much you really value the change you seek. For instance, If you want to be happier, look for small moments of awe or joy and savor each one again at the end of the day.

This idea of small steps, micro changes that add up over time, isn’t as enticing as the advertisements for products or programs that offer you overnight transformation. The power of small steps to create big change relies on time and repetition, in other words, the secret to lasting change is consistency. Knowing this, I designed the Essential Skills for Couples program to provide you a way to take small steps that allow you to acquire the skills you need for relationship success. So, pick one small step in the direction of your goal, one small habit you can consistently implement, and get started!