Want to solve a problem with your partner?

Want to shift a bad conversation you keep having with someone close to you?

Recently, I was listening to a couple fighting in my office. Their fight followed common lines, each one accusing the other of being the cause of their respective distress. Instead of any attempt at understanding, each person escalated the accusations against the other, as if I could judge and decide for them who was right and who was wrong. This behavior is what I call “going to court” and it’s a prelude to sitting in an actual courtroom, in front of an actual judge and dissolving your relationship. Not a fun prospect.

Most couples will have differences they find challenging, and I’m not talking about real deal-breakers here (for instance, it’s hard to have half a child or live in two countries at once.) Over time these common kerfuffles become standing waves of conflict in the couple’s existence, much like a fallen branch in a stream creates a whirlpool that remains stable even as water flows through it. These “URP’s” - unwanted repeating patterns - get practiced and automated and become well-worn stress-producing grooves in the brains of the partners.

Partners in a couple are like the proverbial blind men and the elephant. One may have a grip on the tail of reality, the other a leg. They argue over their view of a reality that is larger than either can see. The more they argue, the more the brain automates their arguments, and their negative story of the other person becomes “real”. The generosity, interest, and curiosity that may have launched the relationship becomes lost in a battle for control.

I like to mention the JoHari window here. In this diagram, the upper left box shows that which is known to oneself and known to the partner, i.e., what we both can agree is part of our reality elephant. In the upper right box is what you don’t know about yourself but your partner does (and they do know things about you you don't!) In the lower left box, is what you know, but your partner doesn’t. Finally in the lower left box is the largest chunk of our reality elephant, what neither of you know.

What is most likely stashed in those blind and hidden corners of the couple's Johari window? Feelings. Feelings each have pushed away, weren’t allowed to have or know as a child, feelings that were too scary to address. Feelings connected to each person's actual needs and wants. Instead as partners, we focus on the “facts”, that is, we try to persuade our partner to see the elephant the way we do, and fight them if they don’t. Facts are just the part of the elephant you can see, not reality (the whole elephant, including the part your partner is focused on.)

What is the antidote to this conundrum? Inquiry and understanding.

An honest discussion of feelings needs to precede content or "facts" in our discussions, and a much deeper understanding of ourselves and our partner needs to precede problem-solving - easier said than done!

Problem solving comes last and more naturally if you truly acknowledge each person’s feelings, needs, and wants, and seek understanding. And it may be you are sitting on a deal-breaker. (More on that in another column.) If so, you will probably need the help of a skilled professional to help you navigate this hurdle.

To avoid going to court, you need to exit the unwanted repeating pattern of discord you’ve created. Research has shown that with these automated patterns, we enter into the cycle of conflict within the second or third “turn” in the conversation (as in your turn to speak, then mine)

In order to exit the URP you must resist the urge to go to court and avoid putting the cart of content before the horse of human feeling. Content comes after feelings, needs, and wants and serves to contextualizes them. There are always deeper stories behind your and your partner’s views of the reality elephant.

In order to create conversations that will enable you and your partner to be vulnerable and safe enough to engage in a deeper, URP-busting conversation, you’ll need to honestly do the following four steps.

1. Step back. Take a breath and calm your nervous system. Get curious. What is actually behind your argument? What is behind your partner’s argument? Take a moment to find the feeling that is making this a hot-button issue for you. Find where this feeling lives in your body and befriend it. Name that feeling, then follow the feeling to find the need or want buried there. That’s what is really driving the conflict. For instance, perhaps you are angry because your partner is often late to engagements, and you feel like you don't matter. Maybe as a child you waited for a divorced parent to come get you and they didn't. You fear abandonment again. Get that root fear or feeling on the table and own it as yours. Give your partner space and kindness to do the same. What you find in these "windows" can be surprising, and very human.

2. Pick a calm time where you actually have enough time to have an in-depth conversation with your partner. Remember that you are seeking understanding, not solution. Understanding your partner's view of the reality elephant isn't agreeing with them, it's just learning to see more of the elephant.

Take turns and stop and take a time out if either of you get triggered. Choose one person to go first. What is their view of the elephant? Then, what is yours?

Give yourselves enough time to really unpack the needs, wants and feelings lurking behind the "facts".

3. Search for common ground first. The elephant of reality is bigger than either of your stories. More possibilities exist than what the two of you were originally fixated on. Often the best solution is different than what either of you originally considered, but is inclusive enough of both of your needs to provide a path forward. Once you've identified what each partner really needs, and distinguished between actual needs and wants, be creative, brain storm, even silly as you work to create a more inclusive agreement. As mentioned earlier, you could be sitting on a deal-breaker, and if so, you may need professional help to move forward.

4. Finally try out the new solution. Give yourself a trial period that is sufficient to really put this new approach to the test, then meet again and tweak the process as needed. You can always go back to step one, and repeat this process until you find a good way forward.

If you look at the effort you’ve already put into important relationships, a bit more time and real listening is the best investment you can make. It can get you out of court and back to courting.