A monkey, a lizard, and a human walk into a bar. What happens next?
A monkey, a lizard and a human go into a bar. The human is a cheap drunk, and is soon slumped over on the bar, semi-conscious. After a few more drinks, the monkey gets into a fight with another monkey who insulted him, calling him stupid trash, and yelling that he wasn’t good enough to set foot in this bar. Just as the other monkey was about to strangle our monkey, the lizard got activated and smashed the attacking monkey over the head with a bottle, knocking the other monkey out cold. The police soon arrived and arrested the human. Say what?
The human in this story represents the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, the slower, evolutionarily later part of the brain that is capable of reasoning and planning, but susceptible to take over by the monkey mind. The monkey represents the social-emotional circuits in the brain. According to Rory Miller, an expert on interpersonal violence, this part of the brain is behind many of the conflicts we have at home or in the workplace. The monkey is focused on our place in our group, our belonging, our status and any threats to our position. The lizard represents the survival-oriented parts of the brain. These lurk quietly in the background yet spring into action when our life or the life of someone we hold dear is threatened. This part will lift off a heavy car off a child or run across a tarmac after a plane crash to get to safety. This is a pure, animal, instinctual part of us that hijacks the brain when our life is on the line.
Miller spent seventeen years as a corrections officer, including working in maximum security and mental health areas. With Mac Young, he developed a police program for verbally de-escalating situations that could turn violent. I found his model of human, monkey, and lizard an interesting and useful way to examine the drivers for interpersonal conflict. In his book, Conflict Communication, he lays out his experience-based (I guess you could call that a form of evidence-based) methods of responding to the conflicts that arise between people.
He targets two aspects of human communication that family constellation facilitators should be aware of as drivers of human behavior. One is the monkey, or social-emotional brain, that is keenly concerned with belonging, give and take, and social order; the other is our tendency to automate our behavior into predictable patterns, what Miller calls “scripts.” Many of our conflict triggers are caused by these two trouble-makers. In the story that opened this article, the human, or thinking part of the brain is easily taken off-line by the temperamental and reactive monkey. Then the lizard finally jumps in to save the human’s life. By the time the police come only the human is there (possibly regretting the fight the monkey started) because the monkey mind and lizard mind are part of the human mind.
Miller makes the point that our ability to stay in the human part of our brain, the pre-frontal cortex, is what is most likely to keep us safe in the modern world. Only the human part of us can take a deep breath, step back, de-personalize our interactions, observe our behavior and spot the automatic scripts we are enacting. The most striking example of this I’ve heard came from a researcher investigating domestic violence. A man was in jail for beating his wife so badly she was hospitalized. The researcher who was interviewing him finally lost his professional cool. Frustrated, he asked the man, “Why didn’t you just kill her?” The man replied. “Oh, I could never do that.” Surprised, the researcher ask, “Then why did you beat her so badly?” The man replied with utter conviction, “A man like me can’t let a woman sass him like that.” That, unfortunately, is the monkey mind in action, defending status in the group with an automatic and unthinking response. A little more regulation might have kept the human mind on the scene and the man's wife out of the hospital.
Regulation as two components. The first is physical. We must get our human mind back online. That means calming our nervous system enough to either avoid tripping into fight or flight activation, or moving ourselves out of activation once we are triggered. The easiest, most accessible way to shift the activation level of your nervous system is through your breath. When we are stressed, we breath high, shallow, rapid breaths, in other words, stress breathing. This is something you can teach yourself to become aware of by simply learning to pay attention to how you are breathing. Stress breathing drives your pulmonary system, increasing your heart rate and sending alarm signals to your brain. Think of the last time you were really activated. Your heart was beating fast, your palms might have been sweaty, your mouth dry. These are cues you can teach yourself to notice.
What to do? Breathe. Not just any breathing. Most of us tend to suck in more breath on top of our already shallow stress breathing. Instead, exhale all the way, and allow your body to naturally inhale. Your body knows how to breathe, no need for force - that's adding more stress. Repeat this as slowly and as deeply as is comfortable three or four times, releasing and allowing your body to do what he/she/they know how. In a sense, this is a communication with your body, you’re saying slow down, relax, switch states. Of course if a raging bull is charging you, please run! This activity is for the run-of-the-mill kerfluffles that we get into with people in the office and at home.
The second component of regulation is mental. Become aware of what you are telling yourself and remember that you are the author of your script. Your body is listening. If, like our monkey friend, you’re goading the body or ruminating over your place in your group, or a loss of status, or other fears, the human mind has a hard time staying connected to the action. Our best bet for catching what Miller calls our automatic behavioral “scripts” is to keep your human brain functioning. That allows you to question the script. Should a man always beat his wife when she is “sassy”? Maybe there are other choices.
The monkey is up to mischief in many of the squabbles and fights that couples engage in when differences arise. Without the ability to self-regulate and slow down, we will quickly automate “fight” scripts with our partner. Research by Barnett Pearce and others showed that if we don’t catch the script, the “he said, she said” exchange, by the second "he/she said", we are highly likely to run the whole pattern. This doesn't make for a happy relationship! Being able to keep your human brain around longer, to step back, take a breath (or two or three) gives you choice. The choice to be a monkey or to be a human.
If you’re being pestered by your monkey mind and would like to regain some balance with your thoughts and reactions patterns, I can help you in individual or couples sessions. If monkeys are messing with your relationship, you might be interested in joining the first cohort for our Essential Skills for Couples online program which starts February 10th. Check our events page for current events!
