How did we become enemies?
In my office, I've seen both intimate partners and also business partners who were once sure they would never part. Now they sound like divorce attorneys arguing their case before a judge. Both parties are broken-hearted, angry, and frustrated with themselves and their partner. They’re stuck and about ready to give up. What happened?
Over the years, I’ve studied with the top therapists and studied many different modalities seeking to better understand why we do what we do. There are often several reasons behind the collapse of an important relationship, sometimes these are situational, loss of a job, illness, family pressures, and often these are due to the participants themselves.
Hollywood movies lie - through their teeth really - however, always hopeful, we buy a ticket to the next movie. If only I could find the right person! Out there somewhere is my soulmate and all will be easy. Romantics that we are, we believe the story that there is always someone perfect for us out there, just swipe right and maybe it will work this time and you will find the person who will make you happy.
Alain de Botton, the founder of the School of Life, says this (and I paraphrase), love is a skill to be learned not an emotional feeling. There is a wisdom here.
Hollywood isn’t the only liar. We are. Little lies. Not wanting to hurt your partner, so you don’t mention that you are unhappy with the dental floss and socks left all over the bathroom, again. Or you don’t ask them the question burning in your heart (do you want to live in Japan with me? Or have another kid?) because you’re afraid they may say no. Better to hope and hint. Maybe they’ll get the message without you having to risk and be vulnerable by telling your truth. Little frustrations, little tensions and fears hide away but pile up. Resentment, frustration, grudges have replaced the affection, attraction and generosity that marked the beginning of the relationship. Pretty soon you find yourself fighting bitterly over who should feed the dog when what you really want to discuss is whether or not you could quit your job or ask whether your partner still loves you, something that by now you are afraid to say out loud. Being honest in relationship takes caring, courage, and skill.
Most of us haven’t learned how to tell our truth in a loving and connecting way, especially if we’re not happy about something our partner is doing or may do. Yet, this skill would save many relationships. Learning how to be honest in a caring way that honors both person’s needs and feelings is a skill, but not one you were taught in school or necessarily had modeled in your family of origin. This skill is an example of a “two-self system” skill. Most of us have only learned how to navigate a “one-self system.” We are entrenched, often unconsciously, in our own world-view and have forgotten that other person over there is an alien. They think differently, feel differently, believe differently than we do, not better or worse, just differently. To navigate a close personal relationship, you need two-self system skills.
I like to say that intimate relationships and business partnerships are 1 + 1 = 3 equations. In a two-self system, you have to tend to me, you, and the relationship we are creating together. That’s a lot more complex than 1 + 1 = 2. By the time you see a couples therapist or business advisor, you’re probably playing a zero sum game. I win, you lose (or vice versa). In other words, 1 - 1 = 0. Nobody actually wins these games. By now whatever you’ve invested in the relationship will be lost.
There are multiple elements to skillful complaints (one of those “love skills”). When you find yourself tucking away that little piece of your truth, take time to sit with yourself and find out what you are afraid of. The first thing you must do is be honest with yourself. Are you hedging, preferring to pretend your partner is aligned with your truth rather than risk finding out they see things differently? Second, you must ask yourself if you are truly open to your partner’s perspective. Are you open to hearing their point of view, or are you wanting them to validate your model of the world, at a possible cost to them? (Hint: that won’t go well.) It is in this realm of give and take, of opening ourselves to difference that is the foundation for a relationship that can grow and develop resilience, or one that becomes brittle and breaks. Where ever you are in your journey of discovering your truths, fears, hopes, dreams, and your ability to open to hearing the same for your partner, that will tell you what kind of foundation your relationship sits on.
