If as an infant, your caregiver said, “Aww, is baby sad?” when you cried, and made a sad face, your state was reflected to you. Our initial sense of self arises in these short interchanges with our primary caregiver. The more our caregiver is comfortable with and can reflect our feelings, the more we learn it is okay to feel. If my caregiver is upset by my anger or neediness as an infant, that shapes the envelope of emotion I can safely express. Infants don’t have language yet, and do understand attuned caring responses. This goes on with different stages of growing independence and sense of “I am” as we grow older. I know I am because you reflect me back to myself.

How is it some people just put us at ease? We open up to them and feel comfortable and safe sharing our stories? What is the gift behind that art? What are the ingredients of listening so that people feel heard? In such a divisive time, listening well so that another person feels heard, feels your care, and feels connected to you, is a more important skill than ever. In this short article, I offer some questions to ask yourself. Are you a good listener?

I've been really interested in this idea of a knowing field since I first heard the term. I know of electrical fields and gravitational fields (which are also still mysterious). When I heard the term "knowing field," I wanted to know, what is it? How does it work? Am I using it properly? Once I "know" what it is, i.e., I can call it a knowing field, then I can have a relationship with it. I can have a relationship with a thing I conjured up with language.

I want to explore how clients make meaning of their experiences. Humans use language and stories to make sense of our experiences. To create our identities, to know who we are, what we should do. When we're doing constellation work, I'm sure many of you know, images can show up on the floor or the table that challenge clients ways of making sense of themselves or their families or even their work teams in sometimes significant ways. Sometimes this goes really well, and sometimes it doesn't. I believe that we often don't give enough attention to the meaning making process. At the end of a session, I walk away from the issue. It's not mine. I go home and leave it there. But my client takes this home. They have to integrate this experience into their understanding of who they are in their system, and how what they've seen is going to affect their relationships.

Are you having a problem staying focused? Reading through a long article? Finishing a project? Me, too. These days I find myself more easily distracted, vanishing down the rabbit holes of an interesting headline or video. It seems harder and harder to stay focused. While there is a lot of concern about the use of cell phones among youth, it seems us older folks are more challenged these days too. Which is why, when I saw the title of Johan Hari’s latest book, Stolen Focus I knew I had to read it (ironically requiring a long stretch of focused attention!)

I believe that our living body-being comes into this world with this unconditional love for itself. Now many things can interfere with that deep knowing that is our birthright. Our developing self and ego will be shaped in many ways as our brain matures and becomes capable of thought, and eventually, self reflection. If we don’t receive loving care for our body-being as children, we can end up alienated from our own living community of collaborating, loving cells.

What exactly is a ritual? Most definitions suggest a ritual involves a repeated series of actions in a particular context performed for a specific goal or aim. By that definition, whats the difference between brushing your teeth every night and high holy mass?

What are those four words you ask?

"Give me a minute."

There is a famous quote that sums up the biggest benefit to this short sentence*:

   Between stimulus and response there is space.

   In that space is our power to choose our response.

   In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Perhaps this quote should say, the space between trigger and reaction is the moment of choice.

Once you realize you’re stuck, first find the friction point and define it carefully. Getting underneath all your surface excuses and finding the deeper resistance to the movement you want to make is the first step in moving forward. Talking out loud with a friend or counselor can help you identify the real obstacles that are holding you back. Take a closer look at old beliefs and feelings that may be keeping you stuck. Perhaps it’s time to truth test these stories and discover whether they are actually reflected by the real world.

The default mode network (DMN) is a series of connected brain components that talk together when we are not focused on an externally demanding task, i.e., when our attention wanders. We could be daydreaming while waiting in line at the coffee shop, or doing something we are so habituated to (like picking beans) that it doesn’t take much mental effort. If you’ve every walked over to a friend’s house and then found you couldn’t remember much of the walk because you were ruminating over how to talk to that friend about a problem, your default mode network was active.

How do secrets corrode family relationships over time? Oddly, secrets are like pockets of trapped energy in the system that continue to ensnare energies in the family members even after the generation that created the secret has gone. We sense the twists in relationships, the lack of full transparency that nibbles away at our trust of the intimate members of our family circle. We have to split off from our somatic self in order to maintain the secret and the toxic energy that it contains.

Just to be clear, I'm talking here about the normal crash landings we experience in our daily lives when we lose a job or our heart gets broken or someone we love falls ill. I'm not talking about earthquakes or wars or acts of providence, just the ordinary sudden crash landing that catches us unawares in daily life.

What stops you from pruning away so your life can thrive? I know that this task often feels daunting, a “where do I even start” kind of challenge. I’ve learned from having to prune 40 roses and several sets of raspberries each year, that just starting with the first rose bush and letting myself focus on that task is enough to get me going. The next rose is easier and the next after that is even easier until the whole job is done.

The first question I had to ask myself is what is it I really wanted out of the interaction? For instance, did I want to prove I was right and they were wrong? Did I want approval? Revenge? All of the above and more? And if I was honest with myself, how old was the part of me that wanted that? Clearly, a few younger parts of me were at play here. I needed to sooth and manage those myself. They had no place in this conversation.

Parenting is the most challenging and potentially most rewarding job humans can have. The relationship between child and parent is rich and complex and is co-created out of their interactions over time. For the most part, these interactions are successful and produce reasonably functional adults. When I talk about the parentified child, I’m not talking here about the occasional times when a young child comforts a parent (like this sweet earnest young boy with his distraught parent in the photo). I’m talking about chronic situations where the child gets enrolled inappropriately over and over to meet the parent’s need - a need that should have been met by their parents or a partner.

These are tough times, and it doesn't look like the road ahead is easier. It's challenging to maintain a sense of balance when the ground beneath your feet feels like its changing.

How Your Adult Can Help Your Inner Child Become Resourceful Again (Inside Out, Part 2)

If you’re reading this blog, chances are you are managing in today’s world. You at least have access to a computer. You can probably drive a car or navigate the bus or metro system. You can buy groceries, probably cook at least a simple meal. Likely you have or have had a job or are in school. Possibly you have a partner, children or maybe elders you are responsible for, in addition to managing yourself. In short, you are an adult.

Don and I rarely have time to go to the movies, let alone a children’s movie. Last week we ventured into the theatre to see Disney and Pixar’s new film, Inside Out. In it, the film explores the roller coaster of emotions that the protagonist, an 11 year old girl named Riley, experiences when her parents uproot her from her secure home in Minnesota to move to San Francisco. Riley’s emotions, in the form of five characters – Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust – control Riley’s behavior from her “head quarters”. As she navigates through her new world, the tensions and struggles these emotional “characters” encounter show us the basis for Riley’s behavior. The film is charming, fast-paced, and well written, and very useful in showing how little control we actually have over our somatic self.

I'm not on an actual roller coaster, looping through space like these two children, though that is a darned good metaphor for this past year. Hopefully after the ride these the children were greeted with warm hugs from a trusted caregiver and celebrated for a successful encounter with a scary experience. That warm reception after a fright will help them switch their bodily state from hyper-activation to an alert relaxed state that builds their confidence and willingness to face future challenges. I am recovering from a recent experience of creeping chronic fear, however, and here's what I learned.

I was frozen stiff yet I wasn’t even cold! Of course, I don’t mean literally freezing as in temperature. I mean that I recently found myself frozen and unable to move forward on an important project. (Which is why you didn’t get this newsletter sooner). Obviously, you’re getting this letter, so I’ve escaped the deep freeze. I’d like to share how I did it, so that if you find yourself in a similar situation, you can escape the freeze, too.